i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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