Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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