I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i believe in u and ur pee
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
