This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The air was thick with penises
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
