i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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