I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
