He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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