if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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