Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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