They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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