I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
