My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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