I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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