I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
