I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
