Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I take back everything I said about communal showers
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
