One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
