I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
