She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
