I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
