I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
