he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
