...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
