i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
