If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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