you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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