Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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