I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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