im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
