when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
barbara walters just said penis...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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