I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
