You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Everyone says I win the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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