Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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