Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
