ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
