Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
