good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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