I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
