White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
