mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
