My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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