I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Found the puke drawer
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
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I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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