Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
