he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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