I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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