the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
