I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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