He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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