Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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