Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Everything about him screamed your future.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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