woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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