sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
