I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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