Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
