Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
