Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
