and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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