Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
