I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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