You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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