To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
40s are totally the cure
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
