every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
